Good Afternoon my Sweetlings,
It's been nearly a month since I last wrote here, which feels so strange and unusual to me. I've come here many times throughout November, like opening a door to a favorite room, and looked in. Thinking about posting, about things I could share, and yet I couldn't muster the strength to do it. There is only one thing I knew I would have to talk about when I came here next, and I just couldn't do it, until now.
Steven and I have decided to go our separate ways after nearly 5 years together. We made this decision a few weeks ago now, and the subsequent time has been spent adjusting, together. We've spent all year talking about the possibility of both needing to walk different paths, and that to do this we might need to let go of one another. It has been a decision we have come back to over and over, and walked away from many times before we finally took the leap. When it first happened I sat and cried on the phone with Steff, and I told her it felt as though we had been walking up to the edge of a cliff all year, and every time we walked away we would always be standing just a little bit closer until one day we couldn't walk away anymore. She told me she saw it more as though we had been slowly and gradually climbing down that cliff together, so that when we finally made the decision it wouldn't be a big fall. I think she is right.
We also talked together a lot about cocoons, and how they seem to sum up the whole of this year for me. We have been slowly changing from one thing to another, but in the process of growing and becoming something better we had to deconstruct something that once served us so well. I always try to imagine what it feels like to be inside that cocoon, and wonder if they can feel what is happening, if they have thoughts about it, or if it hurts. I feel blessed to have people I could turn to when everything was so raw and painful, who spoke straight to my heart and soothed me.
I find it important to mention that Steven has been wonderful as we've made this decision. It was truly something we came to together, and something we decided together. We knew that we had different paths to follow, to discover things about ourselves, to grow. We also realized that we were holding one another back, clutching onto each other out of fear so that neither of us could move freely and in a way that was true to our spirits. If we had continued that way I know it would have lead us down a dark path that would have helped neither of us, of bitterness and anger, and it was out of love for one another that we were able to finally make our choice.
Consequently we were able to make the choice to stay in the same house together even after we separated, and help one another to gather our belongings and move out without having to rush about frantically. It has also given us lots of time to talk about things openly and honestly, our hopes and dreams for the future as well as our fears. We've spoken about the things we love about one another, and the wonderful things we've done and experienced by being together. We've also spoken about the things we knew were holding us back, and I've been glad for that.
(in the Whispers of Dusk cowl I made earlier this year for my new shop, Sacred Cocoon Knits. Cocoons have been ever present this year.)
We've also been able to spend time together just having fun, doing our favorite things. We've been watching a lot of our favorite shows together such as Stargate Atlantis, as well as starting new shows like Dracula. We went through all of our books, DVDs and video games together and laughed over the memories we have of them, when we bought them, watched them or played them. We've snuggled our rat boys every day, until they went ahead of me back to my new home a few days ago. We decided I would keep them for now, to deal with the boisterous teenage Ronon and the lazy old men. Steven has been looking at new cages, and I think he will get babies of his own when he is settled in. I have spent the rest of the time with my nose stuck in a book, hardly venturing close to the computer at all. I think I've needed the distance and the rest from it, although I've been finding comfort in reading my favorite blogs even if I've been very quiet.
As for where I'll be going? My parents have very kindly agreed to have me move back home with them, at least for the time being. Although my Dad is quite contained about such things, my Mum says he can't wait to have me back, and we've spent many hours on the phone laughing and talking about what we'll do when I return to the nest. Although the thought is painful, to leave the house I've grown to love and the city that we explored, I can feel the spark of excitement at the things I'll get to do back in my old stomping ground. There will be walking and riding a bike, cooking and baking and making things together. I've always been blessed to have a wonderful family with whom I get on so well, so going back there makes me feel safe. Steven is returning to his family as well, and we've been laughing at the things his brother says ("I told my friends I had a brother, and they didn't believe me!") and the things everybody will do together. I'm glad he is going back to a place so full of life, and I think I can already see the tension and gloom that was surrounding him starting to clear away. It is good to see him becoming brighter and more full of life after such a difficult year.
So here we are, in these last few days before we start our new adventures on the 30th of November, and I cannot quite fathom how I feel. There are so many emotions running in my blood at the moment, sadness and happiness, fear and bravery, uncertainty but a willingness to see what the future holds for me. It feels strange to me to think of myself as a singular being, I'm so used to always having somebody else. I know I won't be alone in a physical sense, but in another way I will be, for the first time. Right now I don't like the feeling, so I know it must be pushing me somewhere I haven't been before.
Tonight my friends are taking me out for dinner at a pub near their house, and on Thursday another friend is throwing me a Goodbye Tea Party with her finest tea sets and her amazing cooking. Above everything else in my heart right now, I feel so very blessed and grateful for everything I have, and for the people who surround me. I love the feeling of knowing there are so many more wonderful people for me to meet out there, and the feeling of knowing I have already found so many of them too. For the rest of the day I'll be finishing school work so that I can finally get my Reflexology Certificate, picking up bits and bobs ready for a house viewing tonight, and watching lots of Stargate.