Reflections and Resolutions

Hello my sweetlings, I hope you are having a great day wherever you may be in this world ^^
It seems to me that in recent months I haven't been posting as many outfit photos as I used to, I always intend to take them and yet somehow I let it slip by thinking "I will do it tommorow", now I am trying to get on top of it again so there will be more of those types of posts again.
This post is also a recap post, I want to recap the some of the most important elements of 2009 and document some goals for the coming year!

This dress is beautiful, I found it in Oxfam one day shortly before Christmas when I was doing my Christmas shopping, in fact it was the first things my eyes locked onto when I walked into the shop. I have bought so many velvet dresses recently that it is a little bit of a joke that soon I will have enough to have one for every day of the week. So far I have 5, it doesn't seem so unlikely!

I also took a picture in my coat as I never really show it here but I love it! Steven calls it my Mary Poppins coat. Actually it is grey although it looks a little brown in this picture.

This is an out-take. I sneezed just as the timer went off on the camera, the composition with the cat in the frame made me laugh.


So first of all...

Important things from 2009:

♥ Starting this blog

This was definitely a huge part of the year for me! It was born in Febuary although it feels almost as though I have been writing here forever and ever. Creating Dear Sweetlings signified a huge change for me, changing how I ran my life and what I let into it. It has enabled me to take charge of the things going on in my life and choose what I want to do and how I want to live, the attitudes I like as well as the ones that I don't.

For a little while before creating DS I often felt as though I was sitting on the sidelines and watching what was going on around me without being especially involved. That's really no way to live life, not for me. I want to be involved with the things that I am doing, to see and feel everything as I experience it, I wasn't happy to sit aside anymore and so creating this space really signified taking a step forward for me, taking a stand for what I truly believe in and want.

I also feel that creating Dear Sweetlings gave me a place just for me, an outlet in which I could place anything that I chose, something that nobody could take away from me or take control over. It has given me incredible freedom and encouragement to write here and it has really become a passion for me, in the beginning I admit that I had doubts as to how 'well' I would do, how 'good' I would be at it, but as time has passed it has really become something that I just love doing.
Some parts of 2009 have been difficult but I really feel this year has been one of metamorphasis for me and it has been a very interesting and empowering experience to document that here. I feel that I have really improved myself through writing here, it has helped me to put my ideologies into practice in real life as well as helping me to improve my own self worth and image of myself. Before creating this blog I often felt as though I were sitting in a locked cage, being here has opened the door for me.

Lastly I feel as though existing here has opened my eyes to so many great and inspirational people and sources. Creating a blog also got me into reading others blogs and through that I was able to find amazing people and make some great friends as well as discover just how many different sources of information really exist out there. Not only did I start to search for other blogs and gather inspiration but it always amazed and continues to amaze me that people find their way to me and share their thoughts and experiences with me. Meeting new people has really helped me to grow and develop, it was slightly unexpected to me and I am so thankful for it.

♥ New Friends

This year I have really overhauled my personal life. At the start of the year I was incredibly shy, withdrawn, quiet and over cautious. I was desperate for friends and very lonely but it took me until the Summer to devise a plan that would help me to meet new people. Even my Plan (I really did write down a Plan, I have it on a piece of paper in my house still) was out of character for me, I used a format I was comfortable with (in this case being MSN) and then added everybody who had attended the Anime society at my University, this was around 20 people all of whom I had to introduce myself to in the same day! Being quite shy this was very nerve wracking for me, I was concerned that people wouldn't like me or find me interesting, but it worked! This is how I found Steven. Even at the time of doing it, when I was introducing myself over and over again, I could feel myself changing. I got over my nerves of telling people about myself, what I liked and was interested in, and started to lose my habit of self debasement which I had gotten into the habit of.

Once I carried out my Plan it was like I had created a landslide that carried me forward, I found people more local to me who I could spend time with and talk to and because of this I started to come out of my shell. I became much more confident and talkative, sometimes it was difficult to let my wall down but I felt the benefit of it immediately! People warmed up to me quickly and I was able to make new friends easily, people started telling me that they felt immediately at ease with me, I had never expected that and it often shocked me that people liked spending time with me and enjoyed what I thought or had to say for myself. Over time the negative attitude I had towards myself and the way I put myself down has faded a lot, I wouldn't say it has vanished completely, I can still grow and develop in that respect, but it has really become a tiny thought in my mind as opposed to the all consuming feeling that it used to present.

Surrounding myself with company has helped me an indescribeable amount, I feel as though this last year of my teens has seen more growth than many of the previous ones combined. As well as feeling much happier it has also affected my work and my health, many of my new friends at University have commented that I came back to the second year a completely different person, friendlier, easier to get to know, more fun and much more confident. As a result of being able to look people in the eye and hold a conversation I am also much better as a Doctor, I can connect to my patients more easily and therefore I am more competant and efficient. People have also commented that I physically appear healthier!

♥ A New Relationship

I first talked to Steven in July of this year, as I stated I made friends with him through my Plan. We became close extremely quickly, it was literally like I had found a beacon shining in near darkness. I found him so sweet, so friendly, charming, he has always been a darling to me ever since that first day. I won't deny that I was in a relationship already at the time that I met him and for a while we were simply friends, although I developed feelings for him (and he for me although I was totally oblivious to this at the time) things were quite complicated, at the time he offered me so much support and help and was always there to help me through the dark times I was facing.

I admire him for his actions towards me, he was a gentleman and very respectful of me and my feelings. More than anything he has taken care of me and loved me without expecting me to give anything in return, in a delicate situation I think that was a good and admirable response, often it can be hard to act in such a way when you like somebody, we want to chase after them and 'get' them instead of going slowly. I ended my previous relationship before anything happened with him and he allowed me to take the iniative in admitting my feelings and deciding what direction our relationship should take.

In my time with him I have done so many new things, little everyday things that I was missing so much. We often go out to the market together or hunt Oxfam for ancient books, we garden together and cook together. I suppose our situation is a little unusual in that Steven actually took me into his house before we were even a couple as I had nowhere to go. I have loved this situation from day one, we are able to do things together very easily whilst also creating our own space and time for ourselves. Our dynamic works very well I feel and we understand eachother easily which is a blessing to me, it is great to have somebody who is able to intuitively understand my thoughts and feelings without having to guess at them.

I also appreciate how affectionate he is with me, we are both very cuddly people who like to have a lot of contact with eachother and he does a lot of little things that make me feel loved. He often strokes my hair and face and cuddles me up to him even when I am asleep and might not reciprocate it, we also take breaks from what we are doing during the day to lay down together and have 'down time', time when we just spend time with eachother away from the rest of the world and have a chat or a nap together. In general he has a completely different demeanor with me, it is very tender and sweet I find and he is always very gentle with me. It feels as though I am in some sort of bubble and protected from all the world, I always feel very safe when I am near him.

I also find that he is extremely encouraging of me in all elements of my life, something which has helped me immensely. He takes an interest in my studies and my work (he is often a pin cushion for me!) as well as the things I am more personally interested in, he always pays attention to me and what I am saying which is a lovely feeling and has even listened intently to me talking about something for an hour that he actively disliked.

He encourages my 'strangeness', something he said attracted him to me in the first place. He is very complimentary of me, my thoughts and opinions as well as looks which I can sometimes be quite shaky about.

Lastly he gives me a lot of encouragement regarding this blog. He started reading it early on in our friendship (I don't think I realised quite how often he read it though) and continues to do so often giving me feedback and ideas for content here. It's great to have somebody so supportive backing me as often I would let my own self doubt get to me in the past, with somebody pointing out the positive to me it helps me to keep it clear in my own mind as well.

♥ Becoming More Assertive

I have found myself becoming much more assertive during 2009, especially since the Summer months. I don't think I was ever a person who let others take control over me completely but there was a time when I definitely slacked in my own assertiveness and let others dominate me instead. Living like that didn't make me happy at all as I am a person who likes to live my own way, of course we all make changes to our styles regarding those around us but there is a difference between fitting others into your life and moulding yourself to fit around everybody else. The first is a positive thing as it allows you to engage with others, the second is a negative thing because you are changing yourself for others instead of both making allowances for eachother. I was doing far too much of the second and far too little of the first.

I think this year has been in some ways rebellious for me. There have been a lot of things that I would have never questioned in the past that I bought to light and started to refuse. Sometimes that would get me into trouble and sometimes it was big trouble but I stopped sinking away from it, it was time to put up a fight so I did.

When I had finally made it clear that I had certain 'ways' that I abided and that other people had to abide with me people started to show me a lot more respect. I used to think that I would get people to respect and like me if I did what they wanted me to do and stayed out of the way but in fact I found it made people like and respect me far less.

People liked my convienience to them but I don't feel they especially liked me as a person, they also had very little respect for me and my feelings. I allowed people to step on me and because I allowed it they kept doing it, in many respects their treatment of me was due to my own behaviour around them.

I started small with my changes and slowly built them up until I overrode the things that were pushing me down. A few things I did change radically and suddenly however mostly I feel it was a slow process. It did give me patience when I saw my actions actually having an effect and gave me hope that I could reach the milestone I wanted to if I kept going, it gave me a lot of strength to continue improving myself.

I feel that through my assertiveness I have gotten a lot of the things I wanted. I have found friends and advanced in school because I put myself out there more and told people what I wanted, I conquered a lot of my shyness instead of allowing it to stay on top of me.

♥ Creating

I did a lot of painting and writing this year which made me very happy. I tried a lot of new things and I feel my style evolved quite a lot over the time I spent on it, I tried different mediums, different paints, different books and paper and started working on wood as well which I definitely want to continue with. I found the response to my drawings again quite surprising and I was shocked, especially in the beginning, when people liked my style and way of doing things. It definitely encouraged me to keep going at times when I wasn't too sure what direction I was trying to go in or exactly what I wanted to do.

I also took part in National Novel Writing Month this year for the first time and although I didn't complete it I still achieved my goal which was simply to start my writing again and form characters and a storyline. I loved the feeling of getting back into writing again and feel that it still comes quite naturally to me, the time constraint clashed with a lot of my work this year which was part of the reason why I didn't complete the 50,000 words however I think there is a lot of room for personal goals with Nano and so I am still proud of what I managed to achieve with it. It got me back into storytelling as well as writing short stories and poetry which I had not done much of in the past few years.

Over 2009 I have been encouraged on many occassions to write and illustrate children's stories or fairystories, this is something I definitely hope to pursue in 2010.

♥ Letting Go

I feel that I have learnt to let go a lot of negativity this year whether that be in my own behaviours and actions or in the behaviours and actions of others. I have confronted people about things that made me unhappy and confronted and challenged myself and where necessary I have cut ties to people that were simply dragging me down (thankfully I have not done this with very many people at all.)

I have also learnt to let go of things that I did not need. I do have a tendency to try and keep hold of everything, even things from the past which are unhealthy but this year I have really worked on letting go of the things I know I don't need, especially emotionally. I guess you could call it emotional hoarding which is often not healthy. I have also tried hard to change some of my emotional patterns and tendancies, especially the tendancy to get badly jealous very quickly and being quite posessive, I feel I have come a long way with these problems.

I wanted to move forward and embrace the present and future and I often used to get angry with people who lived in the past however I needed to take a look at myself and realise that I was actually a person that was clinging to a lot of the past whilst trying to move forward, I was effectively weighing myself down.

Through being assertive I also started to demand things of people that I had let slip beforehand, for example I demanded equal effort towards me in friendships. If I felt people were being too lazy with me or couldn't be bothered with me and let me do all the work I took steps to change that and if it didn't improve at all I let go.

And now...

Goals for 2010:

♥ Project 365

In 2009 I gave this a good go, I got to May before I stopped taking a photo a day. Now I have more portable options to use I feel good about trying this again. Doing it this year really helped me to learn about my camera as well as being able to capture lots of great moments of the year, even when I wasn't officially doing the Project I'm sure I took at least one photograph on most days.

♥ Read More Books

I did think about doing a 52 book challenge which evens out at a book a week but although I don't think this would be impossible I can see myself becoming stressed out and not carrying on with it. Therefore I want to make it my goal to read more books, the exact number doesn't matter.

♥ Continue Writing

Taking part in NanoWriMo this year was a lot of fun for me and I feel as though I started to develop a story that could go somewhere, I like the characters and the story so far and it melds a lot of my current interests and ideas together. In some ways I forgot how enjoyable I find it just to sit down and write a story, doing so wakes me up and makes my mind a more lively place.

♥ Continue Magical Monday posts

I really enjoyed making the 'Magical Monday' posts here, it was a great way to share my inspiration and keep a record of the places I like to visit. Unfortunately I let it slip but I want to get back on top of it and continue to make those posts weekly. Even if I have to change the day of the post to more easily fit with my work I intend to do this.

♥ Be Happy

I have had an amazing time during 2009 and I really want to continue this into the New Year! I want to make myself happy but also to make others happy also, I want to be a good friend, a good partner, somebody that makes others lives better in some way, brings a smile to someone's face and help people.

♥ Continue to work on Dear Sweetlings

I want to see Dear Sweetlings continue to develop, it has come so much further than I ever imagined possible in it's first year and I know it can only get better from now on. I want to develop new content and ideas, new ideas and segments. I have a few ideas brewing in my mind already, hopefully 2010 will be a good time to bring those to fruition.

Having a secondary blogger here is also something I have considered, perhaps that is a possibility!

So, what has been good for you in 2009? What have you enjoyed? What has made you happy? What have you found a challenge?

Please tell me if you'd like to, I'd like to hear how your year has been ^^

I found this quote over at End of March (http://end-of-march.blogspot.com/) and thought it was lovely, let's spread it around ^^

"May your coming year be filled with magic and dreams and good madness. I hope you read some fine books and kiss someone who thinks you're wonderful, and don't forget to make some art -- write or draw or build or sing or live as only you can. And I hope, somewhere in the next year, you surprise yourself." - Neil Gaiman


And that, my sweets, concludes 2009 for me. It has been a tough year but a magical one filled with so many memories and feelings filling up my heart.

If I don't see you before, have a wonderful New Year and I will see you in 2010!

Holidays

Good evening my sweetlings ^^
I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas day and are enjoying your holidays, here is part two of my Christmas break photographs. With three cameras we take a dangerous amount of pictures!

Steven's Dad ^_^

Mittens, she makes the most adorable little sounds.

Pulling crackers with Joanna, Mittens is observing as you can see.

Steven with Joanna and Mike, it's rare to get them to all stand still long enough to take a picture.

Myself with Mike and Sed.

I was given a pirate outfit for Christmas and Mike has a pirate shirt so we decided to dress up as pirates together and make it a Pirate Christmas!

Steven playing with the Fish Eye Camera I recieved from my parents.

Mittens recieved a new bed which she adores. She slept almost the entire day in it.

Steven and Mike were playing Dragonball Z Budokai Tenkaichi 2 so we needed to move her from the sofa, I managed to pick her bed up and place it in my lap without even waking her up ^^

Joanna tried my pirate costume on! I think it suits her very well.

Steven was taking pictures of me playing with my camera, the lighting is cold and blue but I like it this way.

A few of the presents I recieved. A Russian doll from my mum (I have never had one, aren't they beautiful?), A Fish Eye Camera also from my parents and two books from Steven, an old Fairytale book and one of the Spiderwick Chronicles books which is a notebook that you draw and write in. Steven actually got me all of the Spiderwick books, amazing!

The Fairytale book seems to have a lot of ships in it!

One of the inside pages of the notebook, a little boy named Sam has already filled it out a little bit but I think his responses are really sweet. He said he would leave cookies out for a House Brownie and would always treat magical creatures with love and respect.

I actually like to find things that other people have written in or put notes inside, doesn't it make you wonder about them?

One of the pages from inside the notebook, I love the style so much.

Half of the Russian dolls.

I think there is something somehow mysterious about these types of dolls, all hiding inside eachother. I imagine leaving little notes inside them, secret little places, and finding them again years later.

Steven takes pictures of me when I don't realise. You can see one of the other books he got for me, the Spiderwick book on keeping Sprites.

The emergance of the mushroom hat!

Steven and Sed in our little room in the back.

One of my favourite things to do is curl up with Steven and take a nap. I always fall asleep quickly wrapped up in his arms.

I recieved this dress for Christmas from my parents as well as the tights, I love it very much.

And now I wear the mushroom hat.

And now we both wear the mushroom hat, madness certainly ensues.

I plaited Steven's hair whilst watching Star Trek one day.

His hair is gorgeous, he doesn't really like wearing it down as it bothers his neck but he always lets me take it down and play with it.

I took him out to eat at Wagamama's with my friend ^^; it was his first time eating there!

My friend's food, I didn't think to take a picture before we started eating.

My food, Pork Ramen. Incidentally Steven and I had the same meal.

Here are some photographs I took of my cat Drusilla whilst I was staying at my parents. I love her so much. I think she looks somehow like a magical cat in these photographs, as though she belongs to a witch or wizard.

I think Christmas time also reminds us that the year is coming to an end, it's a good time to look back on things and think about how the year has been, I have had an absolutely amazing and lucky year, in the next post I think I will do a small recap. Now I shall depart to watch the Star Trek movie featuring Borgs, I am excited about it.